We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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