you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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