she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
