Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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