no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
