I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
