omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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