i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
