I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
