She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
