I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
