He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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