Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just threw up on my dentist
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
