Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
