We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
