Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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