i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
