You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
