She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
