I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
