So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
