Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
