I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
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The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
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The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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