so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
