1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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