he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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