fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
