shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
