Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
