why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
