oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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