I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.