There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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