she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
