took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
