you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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