Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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