He uses pillows to masturbate.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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