when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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