An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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