And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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