One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
