he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
