Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
