someone threw a dead crab at me
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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