Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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