i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
