I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
