I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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