she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
