Don't make out with my wife yet
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It was confusing and full of hummus
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
