I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
