Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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