my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
