She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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