I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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