Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
