You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
